shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
