Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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