I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I could make wine with my vomit
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
