my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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