I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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