she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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