If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
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