last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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