Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
