one word: firstdatebathroomanal
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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