Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Randomize
