I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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