i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
