yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
