Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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