Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
