He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
