fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
