I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
