i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He passed out mid-signature
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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