I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
