Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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