It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
