Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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