You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
