No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
