how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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