I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
