Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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