if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
And then the night went full on bisexual.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
