Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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