He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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