God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
