When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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