Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You dont lie about slip and slides
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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