never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She bit a glass in half.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I could fuck to npr.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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