Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
