I wish I only lived at night.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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