Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
