do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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