This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
