Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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