My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
