smell my finger.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
