If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
