I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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