I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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