party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize