He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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