I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
