I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
