If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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