i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
