how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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