I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You took a bar mat shot.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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