make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
