I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
