We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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