Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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