I got chris browned last night
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
