Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
