cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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