i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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