Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
