I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize