Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
