I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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