Don't make out with my wife yet
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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