Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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