i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
